That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
