Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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