update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
