I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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