I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
