These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
