need another drink. this is the easiest way
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
