What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Text me some of your sweat
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
