We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
