ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
