I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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