At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
