my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
