I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
