My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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