I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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