i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
