chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
farters have to be the big spoon...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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