my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
