I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
