Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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