Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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