So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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