Plan B is the new Plan A
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
