just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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