oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's blow job season.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
