So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
