Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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