So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this is an emotional support booty call
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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