imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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