I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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