O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
