I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
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after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm just crazy horny about you
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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