I can text with my tongue
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
