did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
