I'm really into asian looking animals
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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