I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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