I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
