i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
