so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i think my cat just said my name.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
