moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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