No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We have started to decorate penises.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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