I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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