Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
