...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize