omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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