it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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