Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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