new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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