Porn is love you can see.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
