I looked at my own cervix.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
