I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
