Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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