Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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