Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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