after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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