Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
