Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.