Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
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don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence