Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
