I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
